Unimatrix Two

Stolen from Slashdot…

Upset about the Lord of the Rings? Angry about Hitchhikers? Sassy about about Sahara or exercised by X-men? To save time in future, please fill out this form first:

GFC/97X – GENERIC FAN COMPLAINT

I’ve just come back from seeing the long-awaited adaptation of the classic _____. It was terrible! It was full of glaring errors and unnecessary changes like
      o _____ has the wrong [accent / hair colour / facial expression]
      o _____ says _____, but in the original he actually says _____
      o I always imagined the city of ____ would look like _____ and not _____
      o the relationship between _____ and _____ just wasn’t right
      o leaving out all the [poems / songs / bestiality]

I’m also mad that they omitted the vital character of
    o _____’s [brother / sister / father / mentor / sidekick/ turtle]
    o the [barkeep / general / wizard] at the [inn / base / mystic Elven village of Elrohéremélossëhelin na Telperiën]
    o second trooper to the left

and the entire backstory concerning
    o _____’s rivalry with _____
    o ____’s fear of [spiders / snakes/ heights/ death]
    o the childhood of ______
    o the entire lineage of ______, including births, deaths, marriages, divorces, illegitimacies, pets, and house renovations

This is a betrayal of _____’s vision. Why, the author must
    o be spinning in their grave
    o laughing all the way to the bank

Did the producers even bother to
    o read the book?
    o read the manga?
    o watch the original?
    o consult the fans?
    o kill a goat and read its entrails?

I remember when I first encountered _____ at school. I
    o laughed non-stop for days
    o collapsed and wept
    o immediately bought the rest of the series
    o went through puberty

And it looked so cheap too! You could totally tell it was filmed in
    o New Zealand
    o Sydney
    o Vancouver
    o Toronto
    o an Eastern European country with low wages and minimal labour laws

_____ was completely wrong as the character of _____. They should have cast
    o Orlando Bloom
    o Arnold Schwarzenegger
    o Samuel L Jackson
    o Jessica Alba
    o Keanu Reeves
    o Brad Pitt
    o Kofi Annan

Sure it might be alright if you’re
    o not a fan
    o didn’t read the special small press issue with a limited run of 12 that came out in the early 80s and is OMGWTFBBQ totally brilliant
    o an oxygen-breather
    o have a life

but Hollywood totally failed to do justice to it! Why didn’t they
    o make a 17 hour version, so they could fit everything in
    o make a trilogy, so they could fit everything in
    o make a television series, so they could fit everything in
    o film absolutely all of it and release it on the DVD as extras, so they could fit everything in

I’m sure thousands if not millions of fans would pay for that! In fact, we should
    o write a petition
    o start a campaign to raise money

I’m so angry that I’m going to
    o post my opnion on a dozen forums, complaining bitterly to anyone who will listen
    o see the film another 10 times, complaining bitterly to anyone who will listen
    o queue up for the sequel, complaining bitterly to anyone who will listen
    o buy the DVDs when they come out, first release and special edition, complaining bitterly to anyone who will listen
    o announce loudly that I’m going to transfer my allegiance to a fandom that deserves me, like
          o Battlestar Galactica
          o The A-Team
          o Bubblestar Robot Whore Battalion Miyozuki

Tags: fandom, galactica, humor, lotr, movies, star trek, star wars

This entry was posted on Friday, April 22nd, 2005 at 4:26 pm by Mikhail and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.